the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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