I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
