I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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