My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
