what day is it and did you see me today?
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
