So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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