you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
