Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
