Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
