they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
