So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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