I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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