shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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