i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
