U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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