Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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