I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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