Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
