Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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