i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize