So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
