We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
