Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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