sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
can u get pink eye on your cock?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
