I checked into jail on foursquare
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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