We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Ambien. No doubt about it.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Randomize
