im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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