We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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