Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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