I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
