Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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