question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
