You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
