If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
