Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
