I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
