my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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