I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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