Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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