Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
