i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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