Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I will pee on everything he values.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
