Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
