It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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