good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
