last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
