People in love make me want to vomit
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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