never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
