All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
