My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
