if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
