i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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