Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
