I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
