I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
