once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
