Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
